Developing a Close Relationship With Your Child
Since February is the “love” month, one in which we celebrate our love for our family, this article will deal with developing a close relationship with your children. There is a book in our ECFE parent library called Simplify Your Life With Kids by Elaine St. James. This bestselling author, who’s written other similar books, is considered America’s foremost expert on living the simple life. What she has to say to parents is especially important and thought-provoking.
Number one on her list in developing a close relationship with your child is to tell your children you love them and show them in many ways. At Parkview school the other day, I overheard a dad say to his son as he was leaving, “I love you, dude.” Physical affection is also very important. A kiss, hug, or gentle pat on the back are all good ways to display love. A child’s job is to establish his/her independence. As parents, we need to be there for our children—a steady, loving, accepting presence in their lives.
Another thing St. James suggests is to accept our children for who they are. Love them unconditionally. Much of our children’s character is beyond our control. Research tells us that a child’s personality is already determined at birth. Maybe one child “clicks” with your personality and the other fights it. Viva la difference! Try to find something enjoyable in all your children. Let them be who they are, whatever that may be. Let them have their own dreams!
Raising happy, well-adjusted children is the greatest challenge parents face. Developing a close relationship with your children is key to making that challenge enjoyable and fulfilling.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
Attention Early Childhood Parents: Will your child be ready for kindergarten?
Take the Quiz. Your child will thank you.
The newly launched site, IsYourChildReady.com, invites parents to take a simple fifteen minute quiz to compare their child’s state of current development with well researched developmental benchmarks to determine if the child is on-track to be ready for Kindergarten.
“The quiz is interactive, no-nonsense and to-the-point. For busy working parents, the quiz shows how their children’s early learning is progressing, and how parents can best support them. I think this is just a first step in using the social media and the Internet to engage parents in school readiness.” —Art Rolnick, formerly of the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis and current Co-Director of the Human Capital Research Collaborative at the University of Minnesota. (Read the press release)
Your “Picture Perfect” Child
New year’s resolutions are running rampant in January! I hope the new year prompts us to think of our relationship with our children. I hope we take stock of how parenting is progressing, looking at what is working and what is not. This month I would like to look at the “pictures” we have in our minds concerning our relationship with our children and the reality of what real life is like. I think we all have our own preconceived notions of what being a parent will be like. Maybe we think of happy, sunlit days with a beautiful melody playing softly in the background, and smiling, confident children looking up at us with love and admiration. (I know that was always my vision!)
But, as any parent knows, life isn’t always “picture perfect.” Maybe you picture yourself and your new baby gently rocking in your comfortable Lazy-boy until he is sound asleep in your arms with a contented smile on his face. Instead, you have a baby who will only fall asleep while you pace back-and-forth and pat him vigorously on the bottom. It is not exactly how you pictured it.
Maybe you imagine your children upstairs playing with each other, laughing and singing a familiar tune while you get a chance to read the next chapter in your mystery novel and savor a cup of coffee. What you might get is this: Your children upstairs yelling at the top of their lungs, wrestling on the floor as you hear thuds and bumps! One of them (usually the youngest) comes racing downstairs crying so hard she can barely speak. You spill your coffee all over your lap as you hurry to see if anyone is bleeding. It is not quite the way you pictured it.
Maybe you picture having a child who is quiet and calm. Instead, your child is a nonstop talker who has to be reminded not to interrupt others. Or maybe you imagine having a child who listens and willingly follows directions most of the time. Instead, you get a child who often questions every direction and seeks an alternative way of doing things. In other words, you get a real child, one that is not a Kodak photo. You get a hand-drawn, crayon-colored picture. You get a child who is learning all about the world and how it works. You get a child that needs you to listen to his stories and heartaches. You get a child that looks to you for patience, discipline, and encouragement. You get a child that makes your role as a parent challenging. You’ve ended up with a remarkable child who is a beautiful, original creation.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
The Value of Family Rituals
This time of year is a good time to talk about family rituals. We think about getting together with family and friends and sharing some old traditions or starting some new ones. For families, Christmas means sharing religious beliefs or ethnic foods or the simple exchanging of gifts. These rituals have a symbolic content that provides meaning for the family involved.
Studies show that rituals are on the decline, particularly the ritual of eating meals together. In the past, this has always been a basic ritual for most families. It’s become a victim of our go-go-go and overcommitted lifestyles. Most people blame lack of time for not having many family rituals.
Rituals can be considered the measure of a family’s stability. Family rituals, such as celebrations of Christmas and birthdays, allow children to develop an identity in their immediate family and extended family. They experience feelings of belonging and closeness. These rituals create the memories that children will always cherish. I remember from my own childhood the family gatherings we had on Sundays. We shared more than coffee and sweets. We shared love, laughter, and a sense of kinship.
Be inventive and create some new family rituals! When our daughters were young, we had a cute way of hugging as a family we called the “sandwich.” My husband and I were the two slices of bread. The girls came along to provide the “filling” and we all squeezed together until we ended up laughing. The best rituals are really nothing more than a reflection of our desire to be close to one another.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
Discipline Strategies
Working as a parent educator for Early Childhood Family Education, I often get parents asking discipline questions. They want to know what to do to get their child to behave. Teaching children about behavior is what discipline is all about. You begin when your child is an infant. The way you respond to your baby helps teach him/her the long-term goal of self-control or self-discipline.
Discipline is necessary to stop misbehavior, but there’s no “right way” to discipline a child. There are several strategies that work well. Which you choose, and when you choose them, will depend on your child’s personality, your personality, and the specific set of circumstances.
The following strategies can help you be more effective in disciplining your child:
1. Catch your child being good. Look for teachable moments when your child is behaving well and tell him/her so. Praise can be a very effective discipline tool.
2. Anticipate difficult situations. Prepare your child ahead of time for a visit to the doctor’s office or the store, deciding upon limits, rewards and the discipline you will use if misbehavior occurs.
3. Let your child suffer the natural and logical consequences of the misbehavior. One of the more important lessons of life is that all actions have consequences. After being warned not to pull the cat’s tail, your child does it anyway and the cat scratches the child’s hand.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Define the rules and follow through with them. When you don’t, you send mixed messages that make it difficult for your child to know what is expected.
5. Use consequences that are appropriate for the child, his/her age, and the misbehavior. A child who writes on the wall with a crayon should not have the crayons taken away forever, only for a day or two. It takes time, energy, and patience to carry out consequences. You need to plan simple but effective ones. Once your child has paid a penalty, life should return to normal.
An important point to remember about discipline is that it must take place within the framework of love and affection. I always reminded my daughters that I disciplined them because I loved them. Discipline is a strong and active message of love used to protect and teach children.
Jill Phillips
Parent Educator
Sharing and the Preschool Child
When it comes to sharing, preschool children often don’t understand the concept. They have a difficult time seeing any other point of view but their own. That does not mean they are spoiled or selfish. Sharing is difficult because preschoolers are not yet able to see the relationship between giving up something immediately and getting it back later. Parents know that being able to share is an important part of friendship and it makes struggles and tears less likely. So, what can parents do to help children learn to share?
The following are some helpful hints about sharing:
1. Let children have some things to own. Before children can let go of something to share, they have to know what it means to “own” it. Let children have certain possessions that are theirs alone and not for sharing, such as a special stuffed animal.
2. Help children feel good about sharing. Praise children for everyday moments that involve sharing. If they offer a piece of candy from their stash, take it and make a point of thanking them for sharing.
3. Children learn from parents’ example. Parents can talk about times they shared something and share their own items with children. For example, a parent may have a book from her childhood and be willing to “share” it with her child by reading it together. Also, sharing thoughts and feelings with children is important in building a lifelong relationship of understanding and closeness.
4. Plan playtimes to make sharing easier. Before a friend comes over, a child can decide which toys to put away that are not for sharing and which toys will be for sharing. Suggest play ideas to help children share and take turns, such as playing a board/card game, playing catch with a ball, and building something together with blocks. Sometimes a timer is helpful to decide how long children will have a toy.
Learning to share is a long journey for children. It will come in time if they have ample opportunities to practice the art of sharing in a group setting in school or with a friend/ sibling at home. A parent’s role is to make these teachable moments possible.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
Top Ten Reasons to Come to Early Childhood Classes
The fall will soon be here! It’s time again for early childhood classes and special events! The following are the top ten reasons to come to early childhood classes:
1. The hospital failed to include an instruction manual when you had your baby.
2. You can load up on parenting information to show off to your friends, neighbors, and relatives (especially the know-it-all types!).
3. You can skip going to the fitness center because playing with your child is the best kind of workout you can do for your heart!
4. It provides the rare opportunity to exchange toilet training and teething stories with others who really are interested and don’t just fake it to be polite.
5. You get to bring home original works of art to hang on your refrigerator or to give as gifts to grandparents.
6. You and your child are able to play with all sorts of cool toys and equipment that you don’t have to buy yourself or set up in the middle of your living room.
7. You can meet other fun people like yourself who are sleep deprived, obsessed with “photo op” moments, and are desperately searching for a way to remove finger paint or play-dough from carpet!
8. You can provide loving, experienced staff the opportunity to get to know and spend time with your very own pride and joy.
9. It’s convenient, located in your very own school district, and the price is right.
10. The most important reason why you and your child should come to early childhood classes is:
What better way could you spend your time than building a relationship and memories with your child that will last forever!
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
Parents’ 7 Worst Mistakes
This month let’s focus on the book, The 7 Worst Things Parents Do, written by John C. and Linda D. Friel (both practicing psychologists in the twin cities). On first glance, this book seems to come from a negative point of view. However, there is a ton of practical suggestions for parents of all ages of children. This book examines seven most ineffective self-defeating behaviors parents display over and over again and ways to change those behaviors.
Let’s get right to those seven worst mistakes. Can you guess what the worst one could be? According to the authors, it is to “baby your child.” Unless your child is truly a baby (an infant of six months or less), you should allow your child to do for himself. Let your preschool child try to tie his own shoes, pick up toys, put on his own clothes, and wait a few minutes for something he wants rather than immediately give in to him.
The second worst mistake is to “put your marriage last.” As Americans, we are probably the most child-centered of western industrialized nations. This can be a problem because a marriage (or other long-term relationship) is a living thing that needs to be nurtured and cared for or it will die. Find time everyday for your partner to connect and be loving.
The third worst mistake is to “push your child into too many activities.” As a society, we are obsessed with bigger and better. That can mean giving our children many “best” experiences. But how many is too many? The authors suggest asking yourself if your child is balanced. Does your child still have time to play with friends, have family time, sleep well and stay healthy?
The fourth worst mistake is to “ignore your emotional or spiritual life.” The authors’ definition of spirituality is the ability to have a relationship with something beyond ourselves, a feeling that includes a deep sense of connection with creation, as well as awe and wonder about the universe. Being a busy parent can often have us neglecting our connection to our spiritual life. However, if we discover it again, our children will benefit also as we show them an example of a balanced, peaceful life.
The fifth worst mistake is to “be your child’s best friend.” All parents want a good relationship with their children. In a healthy family, a boundary exists between parents and children so that while they are connected to each other in intimate ways, they are also separate. Parents must be in charge.
The sixth worst mistake is to “fail to give your child structure.” The authors’ look at two categories here: self-control (impulse control and delay of gratification) and structure (rules and boundaries). The best way to teach self-control is to have it ourselves and model it for our children. Parents who establish and maintain rules and boundaries give children structure, security and love.
The seventh worst mistake is to “expect your child to fulfill your dreams.” Allow your child to explore who he is and what he wants out of life and love. That journey begins at his birth and continues throughout his life. Your role as a parent is to support, encourage, and love him as he ventures down his own path.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
Summer Play Activities
As summer comes around again, there are a multitude of activities parents and children can do together. I hope this article gives parents some new ideas to try. As a parent, I often wandered what role I should “play” in my children’s “play”. Now I believe there is no right or wrong when it comes to children and playtime, as long as children are having fun. Parents can join their children as they are playing. Parents can also allow children to lead the game or activity. However, it is not necessary to break in when children are happily playing alone.
It’s important to give children experiences that involve learning, encouraging them to explore new ideas and master new abilities. For summer fun, encourage bike-riding, rollerblading, swimming, playing in the sand at the beach or a box in the backyard, and playing games outside, such as hide n’ seek or Simon says.
A fun idea for parents and children to try is to go on a nature hunt. What is needed for the hunt is a grocery store paper bag and clear vinyl adhesive paper. Take a walk outside and talk about things you find on the ground. Hand your child the paper bag and encourage him/her to put interesting things in the bag, such as a wildflower or interesting rock. Your sense of wonder is a major part of this activity. Be enthusiastic about your child’s choices! When you return home, invite your child to spread the “treasures” on a newspaper. Talk about them together, using descriptive language. Place a piece of clear adhesive paper down (the sticky side up) and let your child arrange the objects. Then tape her/his work of art to a window so light can shine through.
Some places to visit in the community include: area libraries, YMCA, parks and playgrounds, the zoo, various museums, festivals, fairs, the aquarium, and the many lakes we are blessed with in Minnesota! Give your children a lot of experiences this summer! Discover fun together!
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
The Value of Routines
As spring turns to summer, our ECFE classes begin discussing their planned activities for the warm weather. When asked about this, most parents will say that their children are enrolled in dance classes, summer sports, or YMCA activities. Parents know the value of routines in a child’s life. Even though summer is a time of relaxing and enjoying the simple pleasures, routines provide structure and security to children and parents.
Young children need and want to know what to expect at various times during their day. Routines can help toddlers accept transitions more easily, reducing resistance as they switch gears. For example, two-year-old Billy knows naptime follows lunch and; once he awakens, there will be playtime with Mom. This daily routine gives Billy comfort and contentment. The preschool years of rapid growth and learning can be a trying time for children as they navigate their world.
Daily rituals also strengthen the bond between parents and children. Children begin to understand what it is to trust and cooperate. Some daily rituals that encourage this include: reading books together, snuggling under the covers, picking up toys together, singing favorite songs or dancing to music.
Some important things to keep in mind when establishing routines is to offer choices when you can (to enhance independence), set limits like the number of books to read and time to go to bed. Remember to have fun and go with the flow sometimes. Often routines need to be fine-tuned periodically to meet the needs of an ever-changing toddler. When a child moves from crib to a regular bed, the bedtime rituals will change somewhat. While the specifics of a routine may change, the need for one never does. Children never really outgrow the desire for structure and security in their lives.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator
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