Parents’ 7 Worst Mistakes
This month let’s focus on the book, The 7 Worst Things Parents Do, written by John C. and Linda D. Friel (both practicing psychologists in the twin cities). On first glance, this book seems to come from a negative point of view. However, there is a ton of practical suggestions for parents of all ages of children. This book examines seven most ineffective self-defeating behaviors parents display over and over again and ways to change those behaviors.
Let’s get right to those seven worst mistakes. Can you guess what the worst one could be? According to the authors, it is to “baby your child.” Unless your child is truly a baby (an infant of six months or less), you should allow your child to do for himself. Let your preschool child try to tie his own shoes, pick up toys, put on his own clothes, and wait a few minutes for something he wants rather than immediately give in to him.
The second worst mistake is to “put your marriage last.” As Americans, we are probably the most child-centered of western industrialized nations. This can be a problem because a marriage (or other long-term relationship) is a living thing that needs to be nurtured and cared for or it will die. Find time everyday for your partner to connect and be loving.
The third worst mistake is to “push your child into too many activities.” As a society, we are obsessed with bigger and better. That can mean giving our children many “best” experiences. But how many is too many? The authors suggest asking yourself if your child is balanced. Does your child still have time to play with friends, have family time, sleep well and stay healthy?
The fourth worst mistake is to “ignore your emotional or spiritual life.” The authors’ definition of spirituality is the ability to have a relationship with something beyond ourselves, a feeling that includes a deep sense of connection with creation, as well as awe and wonder about the universe. Being a busy parent can often have us neglecting our connection to our spiritual life. However, if we discover it again, our children will benefit also as we show them an example of a balanced, peaceful life.
The fifth worst mistake is to “be your child’s best friend.” All parents want a good relationship with their children. In a healthy family, a boundary exists between parents and children so that while they are connected to each other in intimate ways, they are also separate. Parents must be in charge.
The sixth worst mistake is to “fail to give your child structure.” The authors’ look at two categories here: self-control (impulse control and delay of gratification) and structure (rules and boundaries). The best way to teach self-control is to have it ourselves and model it for our children. Parents who establish and maintain rules and boundaries give children structure, security and love.
The seventh worst mistake is to “expect your child to fulfill your dreams.” Allow your child to explore who he is and what he wants out of life and love. That journey begins at his birth and continues throughout his life. Your role as a parent is to support, encourage, and love him as he ventures down his own path.
Jill Phillips
ECFE Parent Educator